December 5, 2008
Warning Signs
Paying Attention To Red Flags
Just as the universe wants to provide for our needs, it also seeks to protect us from dangerous situations, destructive relationships, and even minor inconveniences. Frequently in our lives, perhaps everyday, we encounter psychic red flags warning us of potential problems or accidents. We may not always recognize the signs. However, more often than not, we may choose to ignore our intuition when it tells us that “something just isn’t right.”
Red flags often come in the form of feelings urging us to pause for a moment, listen to our intuition, and reconsider. We may even experience a “bad” feeling in our bellies. This is a red flag letting us know that there may be a problem. We may not even know what the red flag is about. All we know is that the universe is trying to wave us in a different direction. We just have to pay attention and go another way. We may even wonder whether we are paranoid or imagining things. However, when we look back at a situation or relationship where there were red flags, it becomes easy to understand exactly what those warning signs meant. More often than not, a red flag is not a false warning. Rather, it is the universe’s way of informing us, through our own innate guidance system, that our path best lies elsewhere.
We may try to ignore the red flags waving our way, dismissing our unease as illogical. Yet it is always in our best interest to pay attention to them. For example, we may meet someone who outwardly seems perfect. They are intelligent, attractive, and charming. Yet, for some reason, being around them makes us feel uneasy. Any interactions we have with them are awkward and leave us feeling like there is something “off” about the situation. This is not necessarily a bad person. But, for some reason, the universe is directing us away from them. Red flags are intended with our best interests at heart. No harm can ever come from stopping long enough to heed a red flag. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up. The universe is always looking out for you.
The biggest mistake we make I feel is ignoring our gut feeling. I am guilty of doing it in the past but I have learned that in the future I will not second guess myself for fear I may be wrong. If I am wrong so be it at least I will be safe. But one thing I have learned about myself is that I have very good instincts and I need to trust them because they haven’t failed me yet. If anything I have failed to listen. I don’t usually give people advice because people have to make thier own choices, however the one peice of advice I do give and give to everyone is “LISTEN TO YOUR GUT WHEN IT IS TELLING YOU!”. You’re gut will not let you down. ~ sweetcardomom
Sweetcardomom's Weblog and Resource Site 
So what are some of the red flags we ignore? It could be anything.
If you find yourself shaking your head when he says something, and you think hmm. RED FLAG
If you catch him looking at you and his look feels off , you may shake your head and think hmm. RED FLAG
If he laughs at something you think really isn’t funny but just the opposite and it makes you pause for a minute. RED FLAG
If something is funny and he gets angry again the opposite reaction to the situation. RED FLAG This is a tactic to keeping you off guard.
So when your partner says something or does something and you get a little jolt or rush in your stomach, or you think Hmm weird or odd those are you gut instincts telling you something is not right. It is so important to listen and take notice. When you find your head shaking and your eyes squinting and thinking where did that come from? RED FLAG!
These are the red flags of your gut feeling that we tend to ignore. These are the red flags that say run there is something wrong and you are in a dangerous relationship.
There are many red flags warning us before we get into a relationship as well.
~sweetcardomom
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Warning signs like:
Sweeping you off your feet right away.RED FLAG!
“Pathological men have agendas about getting the relationship to appear intense and deep quickly. They want to usher you into the middle of the relationship before you figure out his agenda or respond to your own red flags. Predators have told me in group that their move is to sweep them off their feet by overwhelming them with intensity of emotion, time, and gifts. Women who get into intense relationships in which quickly they are seeing each other constantly, not having an outside life, and have the sensation of being breathless from the pace of the relationship are often with a dangerous man. Many different types of dangerous men often try to move in quickly or marry quickly. Both of which should be a red flag to a woman. Women should always be in charge of the pace of the relationship which should be SLOW. Women should also change the pace of the relationship and see how he responds. Normal men accept that you ask for more time to yourself, dangerous men do not. They guilt and shame you into keeping the pace at THEIR rate, not yours.”
Having frequent short term relationships. RED FLAG
“Guys with histories of multiple failed relationships have difficulty being alone so they rapidly seek other relationships without reflection on the failed one. This lack of insight in the failed relationship increases his pacing so that women are hurried into a relationship before figuring out why he has so many failed relationships.”
Putting down his past relationships and not taking responsibility for his actions. RED FLAG
“Men who take no responsibility for their actions often have mental health issues as do men who never say anything good about any of the women they have been with.” RED FLAG
His relationship history. RED FLAG
“Women need to find information about his criminal, mental health, and relationship history. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. There are on-line background search sites that can do this. Women often discount a man’s criminal history. His criminal history is good predictors of future violence, other criminality and sometimes mental health issues. Likewise, his mental health history matters! If he has been diagnosed with a mental condition, most conditions INCREASE with time, age, and stress. Mental conditions are highly unpredictable and how he appears now is not a guarantee of any stability in the future. All of his histories matter: criminal, mental health, and relational.”
Past behaviors. RED FLAG
“Women often believe they can change men once they are in a relationship with it. It’s one of our characteristics we don’t like to admit! But it is often part of our belief system. But if he has always been this way he may have a pathological disorder which is determined by looking at enduring patterns of behavior that don’t change. Chronic womanizing, unrelenting unemployment, long histories of addictions, etc. are all examples of enduring patterns of behavior. We begin to suspect pathological (which means a permanent disorder) when people have long histories of certain behaviors. These behaviors will not be changed by you, or likely, anyone else, including professionals.”
His patterns of selection. RED FLAG
“The types of women he has dated can reveal the type of woman he targets. A history of emotionally unhealthy women should be a red flag. Some men love victimized women, others like women with low self esteem, or financially dependent women. What are the women like he has been with and why are you now one he wants to be with?”
“If these are red flags for me, they certainly should be for women as well. Women who end up with dangerous man-after-dangerous man is women who ignore the warning signs, like these, and often hope they are going to get different results than what the professionals are advising. Don’t be one of them!”
SOURCE: Sandra Brown, WomanSavers.com Feature Writer.
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I also want to add to the list:
The pity play ~ poor me I am so victimized this is used frequently to draw a women in. Women often feel the need to rescue and feel that their love will change them. Don’t fall for the pity play if you find he is always talking about himself and how horrible a life he has had, don’t bite….run! RED FLAG!
Does he seem to have a lot of acquaintances but never any real friends? RED FLAG!
Does he want to keep you with him all the time, and not want you to share your time with someone else? RED FLAG! He is trying to isolate you from your friends and family.
Things you should pay attention to:
Pay attention to how he talks to people and treats them. Often there are signs that we ignore. Road rage, racial slurs, derogatory comments towards women, or people with disabilities. How does he react when someone does something he doesn’t like? How does he treat the waitress if she forgets to bring something he asked for?
Pay attention to how he interacts with children, or how he reacts to children.
Pay attention to how he treats animals, pets.
There is truth to the old saying ” beware of the man who doesn’t like children and dogs.” and beware if children and dogs don’t like him!
Often times a pathological will actually tell us that they are pathological and or dangerous in ways that we ignore. They think it is funny that we don’t believe them, and they feel we are stupid. So if someone you are dating says ” I am a vampire, see my tooth,” don’t laugh it off as nothing and say oh stop it. I did that. Instead pay attention because it turned out to be the truth. He turned out to be an emotional vampire. My son-in-law bought my ex a tee- shirt for Christmas two years ago as a joke. It was a spiral arrow going in a circle like the yellow brick road with Psycho-path under it. He wore that tee- shirt proudly with a smile on his face. I wish I could think right now of the many other things he has said which I ignored that turned out to be a warning. All I can say to you is pay close attention because a pathological often enjoys the game of “you are so stupid I’m telling you what I am and you still don’t see it”. To them everything is a game and it gives them the excitement that they need.
~ sweetcardomom
Red Flags for yourself:
When you find yourself walking on egg shells so as not to provoke a bad response. When you find yourself altering your behavior in order to not tick them off. When all of a sudden you realize you hardly talk to your friends anymore. When you feel a sense of dread when you hear the car pull in, the door open. It is time to end this relationship.
You realize that you rarely talk anymore. You rarely laugh anymore. Things you loved to do you don’t do anymore because it provokes a bad response. It is time to see a professional or talk to someone. You need support and a clear mind to see the path to a happier and safer future for yourself.
You see the full moon rising and remember the last one. Patterns of abuse start to become clear. You realize this is happening too many times. It is time to place yourself in a safe and healthy environment. Do that before the next full moon.
You know you avoid direct eye contact when people ask you how you are. You don’t walk with your head up and proud anymore. Your demeanor has changed significantly. You don’t have an opinion anymore. It is time to make plans for the future. Place your dream in front of you as a goal to aim for. Take one step towards freeing yourself and allowing yourself to have a life that is enriching and satisfying. It is not selfish to want that for yourself. It is healthy to want that for yourself. It is good. Love You.
When you could see yourself getting up in the night and thinking of how easy it would be…..please don’t let yourself go there! It is time to leave this relationship. Please leave now, call for help, run like heck for the door and don’t look back! What are you waiting for? Just do it!
Sometimes you feel it in places other than your gut. Sometimes you hear it in your head….”Be careful, Sassha. Put the knives in the other drawer.” You have a “sense” or a knowing that something isn’t right. A sense of dread or impending doom. You have a dream that has significant meaning to you like escaping your situation or a warning to be aware of something. It is time to rethink what is going on in your life and take action. Listen and trust yourself. This is self-protection and preservation at work. This is survival mode in action communicating with you.
Your own Red Flags are important to pay attention to because we can forget how important we are, how significant we are. How wonderful we are!
Thank you for a wonderful site with excellent resources!
I’m pleased that you found this site helpful. Thank you for your comment, beautifully said! I hope others will add to the list of red flags. ~ sweetcardomom
Justice 4mothers posted this article today the original article is from The Uganda Monitor
RightsForMothers.com
December 14, 2008
Sometimes You Can Tell if He is the Violent Kind
Filed under: Domestic Violence, Help for Victims of Domestic Violence, Uganda — justice4mothers @ 6:35 pm
A story from Uganda’a The Daily Monitor:
Sometimes you can tell he is the violent kind
By Lulu Jemimah
A great number of domestic violence cases that are reported or stories told, usually have a line or two about the victim being none the wiser of her assailant’s aggressive behaviour.
This although true for some women doesn’t take away the fact that sometimes the signs are right there even on a first date but some women choose to ignore them.
A lot of people would agree that a person who tends to be violent will be spotted a mile away if attention is paid to detail although Mr Henry Nsubuga, a psychologist working with CDC school of Public Health reveals that it’s not always in black and white when it comes to realising one’s violent streak.
“You may find the time of dating very smooth and fail to tell but if you spend a bit of time just the two of you could just as well realise,” he elaborates.
Domestic abuse does not discriminate and when you think a relationship is too good to be true especially in the initial stage, sometimes it’s because it is. Watch out for signs of possessive, restrictive and controlling behaviour.
It may come off as love; blinding you to the fact that his affections are bordering on controlling.
Not all abuse involves physical threat; emotional abuse can also leave deep and lasting scars. Potential abusers can be given away by the way they treat and talk to others.
It could be a waitress, a subordinate or someone who passed by and accidentally stepped his shoes. Violent outbursts and demeaning language to other people can be a red flag for his behaviour towards you. Mr Nsubuga adds that the way he talks to you and the fact that he wants to fight after every misunderstanding and his reactions can also be a give away.
“I avoided making a mistake by breaking up with a man who insisted women were second place one week into the relationship,” Sheila N. says, giving another possible indicator of the violent kind. They usually have very traditional views about women and tend to use humiliating or demeaning language as tools for their abuse. “I noticed he used derogatory terms for other women, such as “slut,” and had a sexist attitude.”
Sheila noted. She is not surprised that the same man is now battering his wife, also a friend of hers.
In some cases, a background check is all you need. Was he battered as a child or did he grow up witnessing his mother or sister being hit?
The exception to the rule is a man who says he was subjected to abuse and there is no way that he would do this to his partner or children. Find out about past relationships with women he has dated. Was he violent with them? If so, it’s wise to be cautious.
“I was dating a very loving man for close to five years but there was only one chink in his armour and that was violence under the influence” Flavia, a 28-year-old bank teller remembers.
Her boyfriend loved to drink and after the first three beers would start to get loud and obnoxious and in the privacy of their home (and sometimes in the presence of their friends), he “disciplined her.” He would later have no or little recollection of the incident.
This however doesn’t mean that these are definite signs that one is violent. Mr Nsubuga explains that domestic violence has its roots in a number of aspects easily categorised as social and personal. “It depends on nature and nurture; what someone has gone through and how they were brought up.”
Growing up with a violent father or a retaliating mother and in a society where it’s acceptable to beat or abuse women can lead to a likened personality not because it’s one’s character but rather one’s subconscious.
A man in this case would see no fault hitting a woman while the women (with violent mothers) would have the “if my husband did this, I would fight him’ mentality”, observes Mr. Nsubuga.
“All of us can be angry and act violent but we choose not to because of the society we were brought up in.”
Sometimes growing up in harsh environments like war torn areas or those with a lot of strife can lead to violence towards partners. Human beings, according to Mr Nsubuga are always changing; it can be hard to determine what can trigger one’s reaction.
He says some of the factors include drinking, one’s company- say those encouraging him to beat his partner, history but not necessarily mood swings because even with these, violence can be controlled.
Source: http://justice4mothers.wordpress.com/2008/12/14/sometimes-you-can-tell-if-he-is-the-violent-kind/