EMOTIONALLY ABUSED MEN

Don’t feel ashamed if you find yourself emotionally abused by your wife or girlfriend. You are not alone and just one among many.  Abusers come in all forms, shapes and sizes.  If your abuser is a Sociopath it is extremely difficult to deal with, but there are many resources there for you.  If she is a Sociopath you may feel that it is hopeless, she is an expert at disguising her true self. If that is the case, know there are people who understand, and believe you, and there are a lot of resources to help you. So keep checking!! ~ sweetcardomom


Heart 2 Heart Help for battered men.

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24 Responses to EMOTIONALLY ABUSED MEN

  1. Signs that you may be being abused! Ask yourself the following questions. If you answer yes to many of these questions than you are being emotionally abused. See resources at the right of this page the help you sort out what to do next. ~ sweetcardomon

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    How many of these abusive things has your partner done to you?
    Has she ignored your feelings? Does she ridicule or insult men as a group?
    Has she ridiculed or insulted your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, heritage or class?
    Does she withhold approval, appreciation or affection as punishment?
    Has she continually criticized you? Called you names? Shouted at you?
    Does she humiliate you in private or public? Has she refused to socialize with you?
    Has she kept you from working? Controlled your money? Made all decisions? Has she refused to work or share money?
    Does she play mind games on you? Does she tell you you’re crazy or sick?
    Has she taken car keys or money away from you?

    How do you feel around your partner?
    Do you feel nervous around her?
    Do you have to be careful to control your behavior or what you say to avoid her anger/temper?
    Do you feel pressured by her when it comes to sex?
    Are you afraid of disagreeing with her?
    Does she make you feel ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated?
    Does she make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, worthless, or inadequate?
    Do you ever feel scared around her because of her violent or threatening behavior?
    Do you often do things to please her, rather than to please yourself?
    Do you feel that nothing is ever good enough for her?

    Does she threaten to leave you or tell you to leave? Has she manipulated you with lies and contradictions?
    Has she threatened to hurt you or your family? Has she abused, tortured, killed pets to hurt you?
    Does she harass you about affairs she imagines you are having? Does she say that she will kill or hurt herself if you break up with her?
    Has she destroyed objects or furniture? Kicked holes in walls? Broken appliances?
    Has she wielded a gun or weapons in a threatening way?
    Does she tell you that if you changed she wouldn’t get angry with you? Does she have a short temper that escalates intensely if you oppose her?
    Does she make excuses for her abuse by saying it’s because of alcohol, drugs or something you did?
    Does she always check up on you or question you about what you do when she is not around?
    Does her jealousy and control stop you from seeing friends or family? Does she prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?

    Source http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page1.html

  2. Psychological and Emotional Battering Through Verbal Abuse:

    Nobody has the right to abuse anyone else, ever.
    Many men think or believe that if they are not being physically harmed by their partner, then they are not being abused. This is far from true. If you are in a relationship which is draining something from you… you might not have recognized that your partner is eroding your self-esteem and happiness through verbal, mental, emotional and other forms of abuse.
    The following is a list of ways to tell if someone is abusing you without physically touching you:
    Discounting: Does the abuser ignore or disparage your feelings? Do they put down your feelings? Do they dismiss you with statements such as, “you’re too sensitive” or “you don’t have a sense of humour” or “you’re just taking it wrong”?
    Withholding: Does the abuser stop speaking to you when they’re displeased? Do they ignore you? Do they withdraw affection in order to punish you?
    Countering: Does the abuser tell you you’re wrong if you don’t agree with them? Do they argue against your every thought? Do they tell you your feelings are wrong? Do they tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about? Do they forbid you from having your own opinions?
    Ridicule [Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes]: Does the abuser make fun of you? Do they ridicule you regarding subjects about which you are particularly sensitive? Do they seem to enjoy it? Do they accuse you of not being able to take a joke? Do they use sarcasm to put you down?
    Blocking and Diverting: Does the abuser change the subject when you try to bring something up? Do they divert serious discussions by accusing you of various things?
    Accusing and Blaming: Does the abuser blame you for everything that goes wrong? Do they accuse you of hurting them when you tell them your feelings? Do they accuse you of having affairs? Are they jealous?
    Trivializing: Does the abuser belittle what you say? Do they dismiss your feelings or accomplishments? Do they insult you when you express pride in your own abilities? Do they act as if your work is no big deal?
    Undermining: Does the abuser squelch your enthusiasm with insensitive comments such as, “You wouldn’t understand”, or “You’ll never make it”? Do they sabotage your ideas by pointing out all the ways in which they might fail? Do they interrupt you when you need time alone?
    Threatening: Does the abuser threaten you, overtly or covertly? Do they threaten you with violence? Do the threaten you with emotional pain? Do they threaten you with knives, guns or some other weapon?
    Name-calling: Does the abuser use vulgarities to insult you? Do they call you cruel names? Do they use terms of endearment with intense sarcasm?
    Forgetting: Does the abuser make a promise and then “forget” to keep it? Do they pretend not to remember certain incidents or discussions? Do they pretend not to remember prior agreements?
    Ordering: Does the abuser order you to do something instead of asking? Do they demand things?
    Judging and Criticizing: Does the abuser find fault with everything you do? Do they tell you that you “ought to” or “should” do things a certain way?
    Denial: Does the abuser deny that certain things happened? Do they tell you that they didn’t say something, or that you never saw something occur?
    Abusive Anger: Does the abuser erupt into a rage when they are angry? Do they scream, yell, or shout? Do they hurl obscenities? Does their body language become more aggressive? Do they stomp, strut, hit things, or hit you? Do they become red in the face? Do they throw things?
    Do they physically get in your way, or follow you from room to room? Do they snap at you? Are they usually irritable? Does all of this usually take place in private, when you are alone? [It’s a sure sign things are escalating if the abuser attacks you in public.] Does the abuser blame you for their anger?
    Psychological & Emotional Battering from Maia’s abuse survivor site hhhh.org/maia/. Thank you for making this information available.

    Source http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page1.html

  3. Other Abusive Acts and Behaviors:
    Financial Abuse or Exploitation: Does your abuser control how you spend money, where you work and what property you buy? Spend all family income including your money or savings? Use credit cards without your permission; destroying your credit rating? Force you to turn over your benefit payments?

    Spiritual Abuse: Does your abuser put down or attack your spiritual beliefs? Not allow you to attend the church, synagogue or temple of your choice? Force you to join or stay in a cult?

    Sexual Abuse: Does your abuser touch you or act in a sexual way that you don’t want? Force or pressure you into sexual acts? Not let you have information and education about sexuality? Infect you with HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases?

    Neglect and Isolation: Does your abuser not let you see a doctor or dentist? Take away TTY, hearing aids or a guide dog? Lock you in the house without a phone? Not allow you to take courses such as ESL (English as a Second Language) or other educational classes?

  4. Richard says:

    You’re right – emotional abuse is a crime against the understanding or any demonstration of humanity or moral decency. My wife and her mother have emotionally abused me as a male, a man, a father, a son-in-law and a husband for over 30 years. I didn’t know what it was called, just sensed how it worked and certainly suffered the effects increasingly. I have actually come to suspect they have some sort of personality disorder – some intense dislike for or anger towards men, or some female need to wholly dominate the entire universe and every tiny detail within it. Our elder children, 24 and 29, have recognised that too, privately.

    If ever I complained, I was told to stop being such a wimp and to act like a man instead. I was denied a fair or even reasonable share of my own income or any family assets. I was denied face-to-face contact with friends or even family. If I called anyone, I was reminded of the cost of telephone calls. If ever any of my own family came around, they or their children were often insulted somehow by my wife or her mother. In the end they stopped coming round. The same was true of friends – welcomed with a sickly smile, then shortly afterwards I would be reminded of some task my wife and I had to engage in or reminded that I had some chore to do, so would my friend be staying much longer? If a strange car was outside our house, my mother-in-law would come in to see who it was and would dominate or alter whatever we were doing as she chose, before leaving. She would ask my wife why there were always people coming round or strange cars parked outside – in the rare times that there were! They would go into the kitchen and close the door, having private conversations that stopped the minute I dared to go in.

    The two females friends I was ever close to suffered undisguised jealousy, and although my wife usually tried to hide that from them, it occasionally showed through – she just cannot help herself at times. I helped the kids of one of those single (divorced) mums to make a play-cart to use, just on one afternoon. My wife accused me of trying to “get into their mothers knickers” as a result of that single activity. My wife ended their friendship soon afterwards. Another friend of ours from way back in our schooldays and living 14,000 miles away, sent her usual Christmas card along with a note to say that she had just been through a horrific separation then divorce. My wife asked why my name was put before hers on the envelope the card came in, suggesting that the card and note was intended solely for me and not for her too. When I phoned that friend many weeks later to see how she was getting on, after I heard from a friend that she had turned up distraught, homeless and penniless with her two children asking to stay at that friend’s son’s house until she could get back on her feet, my wife threatened to divorce me for having an “improper relationship” with this distant troubled female. Again, she broke all contact with that previous friend, told me I had to do the same, and accused me of “ruining” the friendship she herself had cut off.

    My mother-in-law abused her daughter, my wife, when she was a child, both emotionally and physically. She denied her affection as a control method or simply to vent her anger, compared her poorly to her sisters, denied her friends and social outings, and when aggressively angry would hit her repeatedly and violently about the head with a hairbrush – a Mason & Pearson hairbrush, because they were the best quality hairbrushes of course. My wife was treated as a skivvy, whilst affection, approval and finance was lavished on her sisters.

    Almost thirty years ago, at the birth of our first child – and my mother-in-laws first grandchild – my mother-in-law told my wife whilst still in hospital that it was still not too late to have “this thing” adopted. I have never forgotten the trauma and tears in my wifes eyes as she recounted that event to me. My wife was terrified of her mothers reaction, so that even as a very mature adult, she was afraid to tell her mother on her own that she was (surprisingly) pregnant again, and only went to tell her six weeks after everyone else knew – and only then if I promised to be in her mothers house first, pretending to do some repair work. Her sister refused to speak to her during the pregnancy and for six months afterwards once she discovered that our surprise baby was to be a girl – something she had longed for but never had. Her sister then went on to have another child after our own daughter was born – a fourth boy – whom she had to have psychological counselling to deal with as she started to neglect him and verbally or physically abuse her next eldest son.

    My mother-in-law now abuses me, her daughters, their partners, and our children emotionally. She manipulates, she persuades to an end only she prefers, she lies, she deceives, she prevents the truth from being revealed, she puts on a false front and she uses financial carrots to control and to get her own way in every respect, and to prevent any other view than her own from being heard or considered. Before she retired on “ill health” grounds as a teacher, my mother-in-law was investigated for emotionally abusing a child in her class to whom she took a dislike. She is a foul, foul human being called Yve, who everyone in the village refers to as “Evil” – a play on her name – although not to her face of course. Everyone is scared of her, some emotionally horrified by, or terrified of, the instant brutality of her ways. Even her best friend tells her that she goes too far. Her response? “I don’t care – I do what I want to do or I do what’s best for me and that’s all there is to it, like it or lump it”. A charming woman with a charming outlook. She says she is “strong”. I say she is a bully – an abuser.

    My mother-in-law emotionally and financially abused her last husband in marriage and in divorce and she used their daughter and financial control to do it and that youngest daughter, now married herself, emotionally and financially abuses her own husband – she has put in black and white that she does not love him, but stays with him because he has “an increasingly attractive salary and pension package”. She abuses him physically in front of other people and I have seen her push him and slap him in that setting. She humiliates him and he keeps coming back for more as he is so desperately in love with her he does not see what is happening in their marriage. It is appalling and it is inhumane. It is also a disgrace that her mother laughs when it happens and says that it “serves him right”.

    I am getting divorced. Almost two years ago I told my wife that I wanted a divorce as I simply could not live with her any longer or she would drive me insane. She told me two things at that point; first, that if I tried to divorce her then she would “take me to the cleaners” and that if we did get divorced that I would never, ever see our 11-year-old daughter again. She has refused every invitation to mediation. She explodes with rage if it is suggested. She exploded when the courts requested declaration of our finances and told me, spitting in my face as she did so, that I would never find out what her financial position was. She has told 18 lies in her divorce petition including that I have abused her and our children – and due to the financial history of our marriage she knows I can ill-afford to go to court to argue and prove a contrary case (I can, for example, prove in their own handwriting that my wife and her mother have lied about me previously to the authorities to hide their own fraud and illegal ways, that they have obtained money by deception – and involved me in that by asking me to turn up at a solicitors office to “sign a few papers” which have turned out to disadvantage me financially to the point of ruin, robbed me of a pension entirely, and left me over £20,000 in debt. When I protested, they angrily told me not to be “so stupid” and to “get over it”). When I asked the solicitor if I could sign and note my signature as being “under protest”, she asked to leave the room so that the matter could be “discussed” if I was unhappy with signing. When she left, I was told by my spitting mother-in-law to “just sign it if you know what’s good for you” and my wife said that if I truly loved her, I would sign it without a fuss. What do you think I did? I signed of course – the alternative would have been torture.

    My wife has told friends (including my doctor, two police officers and the secretary of the school our daughter goes to), that I intend to kidnap our daughter and take her to NZ, though I have no passport and my wife holds our daughters passport, and I have no funds to go anywhere. NZ is simply a place we went on holiday once and I would like to return for a holiday in peace and quiet on my own once this is over, just to escape my wifes bullying and to plan how to get my thoughts and life back together in some sort of rational order.

    My mother-in-law refuses to let my 11 year-old daughter mention my name in her presence. She has told my daughter and our elder but youngest son I am “gone”, and to forget about me – but I live less than a mile away. My wife seeks to give all control of our daughter to her mother during the school holidays when she has to work – I am offered nothing during that period even though I always used to take 14 days off to be with our daughter every year previously since she started school. It was a wonderful time together that we used to plan for from weeks ahead.

    I was always the one who woke my daughter up for school. I took her to school regularly. I was always the one who helped with her homework. We baked together. We rode our bikes together. We watched kids films or scary movies together. We sang together and we danced to the songs we liked, especially Van morrissons “Brown-eyed girl”, as our daughter has the hugest, most inscedible deep brown eyes, once so full of mischief and laughter. Now, she so often seems to have things on her mind. We went shopping together and she would approve of my choice of this or that (or not, with eyes raised to the sky in mock despair at my fashion sense), or she would ask my opinion of her choices. She was proud to have the Dad her friends said was “cool” and “really nice” – a Dad they liked because he wasn’t “grouchy” like their dads. A dad who let his daughter “do things”. She is an aware, intelligent, sensitive child. Caring, not spiteful like some of her friends can be, as she recognises. She has a good sense of justice, and right and wrong. As a result, we have few rules when together. I tell her that we can probably do, or she can probably so, whatever she chooses as I trust her to know what is right and goor or wrong and not so good. The only “rule” is that if she does something I think as a parent is wrong when she is in my care, or out and about generally, then we have to talk about it. That has never been necessary.

    I am now allowed by my wife, without explanation, to see our daughter only for five hours per week – and by inference that is the only time our daughter is allowed “contact” with me. A child does not choose “contact” – she chooses to see her Dad. (We can only do that on Sunday when shops or attractions around here are closed, and of course the time is insufficient for us to have any deeply meaningful time together or with her somewhat distant family such as “Granny Neat” (my mother) who certainly is “neat” compared to her nearby maternal grandmother. My daughter and I only have those five hours together if I have not disagreed with my wife that week in divorce or finance matters and only if she doesn’t want to take her away somewhere or do anything else with her for any reason she chooses. When she is with me, our daughter often holds on to me, sometimes holding hands as we walk along or she will sit next to me and pull my arm around her to watch TV for hours on end. She asks me to hug her, laughs and asks me to carry her whereupon she holdsme around the neck, she asks me to brush her hair as I used to do every morning before school as “mummy is always too rough”, and to play, to draw or to do some other artistic activity with her, or to listen to music together – all things we used to do before and mummy did not and does not do.

    Our daughter become restless – agitated or nervous – as the time approaches for her mother to pull up outside and honk the horn as a sign that our time together is over for the week. She repeatedly watches the clock as this imposed “home time” draws near, then goes back to what we were doing for another five minutes before checking the clock again. When I bought her a watch (so that she would feel secure that she could tell the time easily without interrupting her pleasure and so that she could be on time for school lessons in her new school), my wife accused me of trying to “buy” our daughter. She told my daughter (even at only £15), that the watch was a “waste of money”. She tells our daughter that she does not need a watch because mummy will be outside and will honk when it’s time to go, and tells her not to bother wearing it, even for school – they ring a bell when lessons start or end, so she does not need her watch… But as my daughter pointed out, “Mum is funny with money – she always says we haven’t got any, yet when we went bowling she bought all the grown-ups drinks from the bar and she paid for everyone’s burgers and she wouldn’t let anyone pay their share”. Children are very good observers, and no fools. Sometimes what they see confuses them, or even makes them uncomfortable.

    My wife sends our daughter to stay over with friends – for example, at the home one goes to to see her own dads who is divorced, yet she will not let our daughter stay with me even though our daughter has chosen the colours of and painted “her” room here for “when” mummy lets her stay over “one day”. Her mother tells friends that our daughter is “uncomfortable” here, even though the place is full of her paintings, contains the playthings, food and music she reserves for “dads house” (mummy doesn’t keep her favourite foods very often and doesn’t usually have music on and spends hours on the phone, watching TV or playing computer games instead). Staying over at her friends dad’s house, they go into town on Friday night but he doesn’t always pick them up on time – or at all – as he falls asleep on the settee and they have to walk home three miles on their own, sometimes in bad weather and dark as winter approaches. When I try to point out that this is not a terribly safe demonstration of reliability of care for two 11 year-old girls on such a night, my wife tells me to “bring it up in court” if I want to be “nasty”, otherwise to shut up.

    If my daughter sees me use MSN, she always enters into a conversation with cheery “Hi Dad”. I usually try not to use the facility because if her mother sees it occurring, she “needs to use the computer”. The discomfort or disappointment on our daughters face as she realises what that means (FULLY what it means), is clear, but she does as mummy expects her to do – bye Dad, love you xxx… I get left e-mails by her because, although she has a mobile phone, mummy doesn’t like her using it in the house, especially not to ring me for anything. Dad can ring his daughter – but how does he know when to do that – how, from a distance, does a Dad know his daughter wants to speak to him? What is the result if I do ring to speak to our daughter? She’s busy – and what do I need to speak to her for, or about? She can ring me if she has a problem, Can she though?

    If she has a problem with homework, she is told to ask the teacher for an extension rather than phone me or ask me to help her. As my wife told me with some venom, she has asked her lawyer and been told that she doesn’t have to tell me anything about our daughter – and she doesn’t – except when she needs money for something. When I give my daughter her allowance, she hides it in her secrets box so that mum doesn’t know what she has got saved up, otherwise she is expected to buy her own clothes.

    My wife has a graduation party to go to. She bought herself a new dress, shoes and a bag. Our daughter is going too (or so I discovered). Mummy bought her a new dress too, but she couldn’t afford shoes for her as well. What would our daughter wear? “You’ll have to wear your trainers…”. But mum, you can’t wear trainers with a silver dress… Mum can’t afford silver shoes, so you’ll have to wear your trainers instead, and that’s all there is to it, so get over it… Our daughter told me of the situation – it bothered her – and of course it bloody well bothered her! We went to buy shoes. Silver shoes with sparkly bits on for £16 – Dad refused to buy the red stillettos at £30 because he isn’t a complete pushover yet! A proud daughter proudly showed her mother the new shoes. What has your dad bought those for? For the graduation party. You could have worn your trainers. But my trainers don’t match the dress. Party shoes are a waste of time and a waste of money – you don’t need party shoes. My daughter stuck up for herself – she DID need party shoes and they weren’t a waste of money because dad bought them, not mum. Later, I was phoned – stop trying to “buy” our daughter or trying to “prise her away” from her mother. I don’t need to buy my daughter. I wouldn’t try and I don’t try – and I couldn’t afford in financial terms what she is worth as a human being anyway. But I do know an 11 year-old daughter DOES need silver party shoes, not trainers, to go with her silver party dress – waste of money or not! There are some things – emotions, and sensitivities related to them – that my wife does not, and never did, fully understand. Perhaps it reflects what she was denied as a child? I don’t know much – I don’t understand much – but I know a daughter needs party shoes and as long as I’m her Dad she will have them if she needs tham and that’s all ther is to it, adult female wrath or not.

    I am a human being. My daughter is too. Other people are not – not in the same way at least. Some people are insensitive, cold, calculating, greedy, selfish, manipulative, lying, deceitful emotional abusers, and mercilessly and repeatedly so. They are monsters, have no doubt, and I did not make them that way. Nor did my daughter, so I’m damned if I see why we should suffer their ways. But we do of course, except for a tenuous but very precious five hours per week.

    Don’t pity the daughter or the “MacDonalds” dad you see together in such places every week, struggling over their chips and not-exactly-a-family-dinner to retain what is left of what they remember of a perhaps much closer and more comfortable life together. Recognise instead perhaps, that they may both still be struggling to show love for each other under terribly difficult and perhaps manipulated circumstances not of their own making or liking. Don’t mistake any apparent discomfort you may see in them as being what you assume they feel with each other, but instead consider that it may be the situation they are in that they are uncomfortable with – a situation that perhaps neither of them wanted to experience or share that way, but which sanity and self-preservation made that dad opt for. Not all Dads are uncaring, insensitive, feckless philanderers who have done no good for women or for children – nor are they perfect – but for their daughters or their sons they may be some sort of role-model, some sort of hero, some sort of treasure. lost to those kids to some extent in ways they cannot understand fully, cannot express clearly – or dare not or are not permitted to express by those who “care” for them solely now. And don’t think for one minute that no dad realises that and doesn’t know the hurt such things bring for parent or child, and the wicked satisfaction that situation brings for those who don’t care for either of those people as they care or would like to be cared for by each other.

  5. I really want to thank you for posting your story here Richard. It is so important for other men to see that they are not alone. Men are probably abused as much by women as women by men however there is not accurate statistics due to the fact that men rarely come forward on what is happening to them for many reasons. Finally the word is getting out and more men are willing to come forward. I hope your post will help encourage other men to come out, and tell their stories and to take their lives back. I am sorry you have had to endure for so long. I hope you have looked through this site and checked out the links throughout. If you haven’t please look through it, I’m sure you will find some very helpful information on emotional abuse in general, abused men, sociopaths, and anti-social personality Disorder.

    There are a lot of sites and books dedicated to abused women and not a lot for abused men but many can be for either even though they say women. One book I recommend is titled The Emotionally Abused Women by Beverly Engle, she does state In her book that she is using the term she throughout the book, however it is not for women only. This book was a lifesaver for me and I recommend reading it for anyone suffering from emotional abuse.

    You and your children are in my prayers and thoughts. I know you will have a long hard struggle since you have a young daughter to bind you together. Know you are not alone there are people who understand and will be there to support you. My goal is to constantly update this site with links and information as I find new ones. Please come back and check for updates often I will be searching for new information everyday.

    Thank you for your contribution to helping others in need. ~ sweetcardomom

  6. Kenny says:

    For four years I was engaged to a woman that I love dearly. I grew up in an emotionally abusive situation and religion. What makes matters worse is that I have depression. I can remember episodes as far back as age six and expect that they will continue the duration of my life. We have been “broken up” for a year but still see eachother on a regular basis. I do not delude myself with thoughts that she is emotionally abusive and admit that I compliment that quite well by be as submissive as I have been. However, she without a doubt loves me. I love her. Part of the self destructive behaviour that she has picked up recently I defintely contributed to. I cannot say if the relationship will or will not work out. She has a terribly low self esteem and the reason that I am even still around is that I accept her unconditionally. She is a beautiful person. She does alot of good work in the community. But if she is so afraid of admitting these behaviours to herself that she overlooks her capacity to do so. We talk alot she has admitted quite a bit. She is not currently in therapy. I currently am (she patiently worked with me to get there) and am seeking treatment for these terrible conditions as well as finally am evaluating my own career choices for sustainable functionability. (with her help) I am now pursuing an education and starting to attend a church that seems to have a healthier outlook on my role in their religion. It has been alot of work to get just here. I would hate to waste the effort but I feel the need to take this discussion into this very subject before she can move forward much further. I am not asking for advise to manipulate my way into that conversation just someone that understands that her vunerability is as such that she keeps it secret from her parents which she has a very intimate relationship with. My therapist says that I should wait until the appropriate time but she squirms out of those and tell her that I love her unconditionally and see these pervasive behaviours that concern me. This is going to be a long discussion if I did this way and because of that I would worry about the effectiveness. Imagine if someone told you a list of fifty things to do and then tells you to go write them down. This may be a bridge that I have to burn. I am not prepared to do that at this time. I do love this person. Below that lies an appreciation for this person and below that I did influence her in some of the choices that she made. To what end? I feel that I should exert some of my considerable influence (because of the intimate nature of the relaionship) to bring choices for her consideration. At this point I am not willing and do not believe that attempting to go further than this would be successful long term.

  7. Thank you Kenny for your comment. Emotionally abusive realationships are like roller coasters. So many ups and downs, and mixed feelings and emotions. I too was emotionally abused as a child and it has long term effects on us and our relationships, and it’s an on going battle to say the least. It is sad but true that many religions or churches out there abuse their followers, and cause extreme damage that can even end tragically. By identifying and getting out of a situation that is harming you the way you did is a major step in your recovery and healing. One thing to keep in mind is that we have the power to change ourselves and to take control of our own lives, however we do not have the power or control of others to change them. Everyone needs to be willing to change themselves, and when two people in a relationship are involved it take both parties to agree to work on themselves so that they can work together on the relationship. Make sure that you put yourself and your healing first. Healing from such emotional abuse is a journey, it takes time to heal those wounds, and it sounds like you are ready! I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.
    Remember you are not alone ~ sweetcardomom

  8. nick says:

    Hello,
    this has been very enlightening for me. I think I have been abused for 14 yrs by my common law partner. It began after our first child, so may have been post natal depression but since then once or twice a month there always seems to be a problem. so much anger toward me. I think I may have ruined the relationship by going away to work. one evening she just smacked me round the face and Iwas totally shocked. after the first child my partner got pregnant again and I got very drunk and had a most of the way sexual experience with a woman. This finally came out but I want to know if the abuse I have had before and since then is deserved. I think I may be very screwed up and perhaps I have caused this by my misdemeanors.

  9. Jason Alatorre says:

    I am A US army soldier and a faithful husband to my wife who I think is abusing me and i need help, she cut off all money to me and I am currently deploied to Iraq, i need help, she accuses me of cheating on her all the time,she has someone else holding her cell phone and tells me she is busy all the time. and when I finally tal to her she accuses me of cheatting on her I am not cheatting on her nor will I for the sake of my daughter, I refuse to be abusive towards her as it is not what my parents brought me up to be. I need help as if i report this I might lose my carrear in the army

  10. Men Abused- by the Women They Love
    August 14, 2005 by
    Cindy Wright

    The Face of Men Abused by Women
    September 27, 2007 by
    teri c stoddard

  11. Emotional abuse is devastating and debilitating to the victim whether the victim is a women or a man. Men abuse women, women abuse men, women abuse women and men abuse men there isn’t any magic formula. Men often laugh at the idea of a man being abused by a women but it is not a laughing matter. If you feel that you are being abused then you probably are. I would encourage you to seek help and to stop allowing your abuser to continue to abuse you. No one deserves to be abused.

    If you find yourself in an abusive relationship remember that love does not hurt and you do not deserve to be abused. If your partner is not willing to seek help then you need to look out for yourself. Get out while you can. Learn to love yourself.

  12. Thank you Scott for your comment. You are not alone and it is so important for men in your situation to hear other men’s stories. It sounds as if you know what you need to do, and that’s good. There comes a time when enough is enough and one realizes that it’s time to lookout for oneself. One of the biggest hindrances is guilt. My son stayed in a relationship way to long because like you, he made her mom a promise that he would take care of her, and her (at the time) unborn child ( which was not his). He stayed in that relationship trying to help protect her daughter from her wrath, until he couldn’t do it any longer.

    I can’t tell you what to do but I always tell people to listen to their gut and do what they know they need to do. Given the extreme mood swings it is possible that there is a medical condition that could be helped by medication. I don’t know if that is anything that you and her have looked into. But even if that is the case it would only help if she is truly wanting the help, and is willing to do whatever it takes to make your life together better. If she is not willing to seek help which most abusers aren’t because they don’t think they are doing anything wrong, then you need to think about what is best for YOU and not worry about anyone else. My best advise is to take charge of your life and look out for your mental and physical health before it destroys you! Abuse is not love, there is no place for abuse in a relationship whether the relationship is a couple, a parent child, a teacher student, or between friends. It is never OK to abuse one another. I hope you find the answers you need. Remember you are not alone.

  13. From Lovefraud Blog
    Sunday August 30

    The Love Script of Sociopaths

    “It is likely you are reading this because a sociopath said “I love you” and you believed him/her. You also probably thought that when the sociopath said “I love you” he/she used these words as you do, to express a sense of intimacy, passion and commitment. However, what a sociopath says and what a sociopath does are so different it can be crazy making.

    In the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath, former romantic partners are left to wonder, “Just what was going on in that person’s mind?”

    Please read the article in its entirety

    Anyone who has loved a Sociopath knows all about this. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a women we’ve all been fooled. The trick is not to be fooled again.

  14. Excellent site, keep up the good work

  15. Thank you much for that wonderful blog post.

  16. Hey good stuff…keep up the good work! 🙂 I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks,)

    A definite great read.. ..

    -Bill-Bartmann

  17. Kelli Garner says:

    Thats very good to know… thanks

  18. John Smith says:

    I am 32 years old and I was with my wife for 13 years and married for 8 well I am still married but we are separated. We have a little girl that is 6 years old. My wife is very abusive to me and I do not know what I can do about it. I am not living with her now but things have not changed much because I still have to talk to her in order to see my little girl. My wife takes pain pills all the time and when I was living with her she would force me to go to the doctors to get them for her, I was hurt real bad in the army and now I am disabled. If I would not go and get them she would treat me like crap would not talk to me or would yell and tell me she was going to leave me and take my little girl with her and I would never see them again, so I would go and get whatever she wanted. Five years ago so got pregnant with my second daughter and forced me to give her up for adoption, I was told that she would take my first daughter and leave and still give the other little girl away so I would lose both daughters and her my wife forever, I hate myself for giving my second born little girl away but I did not want to lose the wie I loved and the daughter I loved. I named my little girl that I had to give up but I never told my wife because she said I was not allowed to do this, I just hope one day when she gets older and if she finds me that she does not hate me, even though I hate myself for it. But as I said before I am still living with the abuse from my wife in order to see the one daughter that i still have, and I do not know what or if there is anything I can do about it. From what I have read courts and most everyone in the world see it as men cannot be abused and if you try and say you are your a bitch or not a man at all or the story gets turned around on you and your made out to be the bad guy because you did something to deserve this. I may be hard to get along with and have odd ideas of how things should be and I am disabled so I am not whole or as strong as I used to be, I can not work because of my disability, but I want to spend time with my little girl, she is my world. The only thing I can do is just put up with it in order to get to spend time with my kid. This is the first time I have ever said anything about this to anyone. I just now started talking to my family again. When I was living with my wife I was not allowed to tallk to my mother grandfather brother or sister I was told that they did not love me and it is just best if I do not talk to them and just live me life with out them in it, I am still lost and do not know what to do, I just do not want my little girl taken from me, and I am sick of feeling this way about myself.

  19. Hello John I want to thank you for posting I know how hard it was for you. You have just made a giant step by doing so. Writing about what you are going through and talking about it is important for the healing process. First off you are not alone there are countless men being abused by women emotionally and verbally. There are many Narcissistic women just as much as narcissistic men. There are many resources for you, the web is full of many good sites but it does take time to search them out. I put many of them here on this site please search the links for this is a good starting place however don’t stop here.

    I am listing some that I think are important for you to start with. The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Psychopathy Education Magazine is the first place I would go to. There is information on legal issues and dealing with family court with a pathological, custody issues. They also do consulting with phone consultations, retreats for recovery, seminars, and have a wealth of information. It is the only site I am aware of that is working trying to educate Judges, mediators, attorneys, therapists, and anyone who is in a position to make decisions regarding custody issues, and to change the laws and the way the courts determine what is best for the children.

    It is important to understand what is happening to you as a result of the abuse you have been receiving and to be able to get the help you need to recover. Please take the time to search the Institute’s site. Also try to find support from others. People who have not been affected by the effects of a pathological do not understand what it is like. Family can be a great support and you can help them understand by sharing this information with them. Please be sure to read about PTSD which is frequently a result of the abuse and it is not a mental condition but a medical condition which can result from the abuse.

    I wish you the very best and you are moving in the right direction.

  20. wide eyed guy says:

    There is a similarity in all the things i have read about experiences here and in my own life.

    If anyone is in doubt about being in an abusive relationship… then I would almost certainly say that in itself is a sign of being in one. Sure some might have feelings that aren’t connected with such a reality, but I found that if you are ever walking on eggshells with a girl in your life… you should question it. what do you have to lose from rethinking and being sure?

    but, more specifically, let me list a few things that i look back on in my own experience with an abuser, just to give you a sense of the ‘evil’ that surrounds abuse.

    -i remember now:

    … times when she would ask me why i was looking at her in the eyes when we ‘made love’…. that if i thought it was doing something, it wasn’t.

    … times when i was told the ‘we just aren’t connecting’ and the heart wrenching on me that was done in those “discussions” as i knew that i had laid myself bare all along.

    … times when she said she was thinking of killing herself. as if i could make some difference in her head. (she never did and i never talked her out of it.)

    … times she would leave the bed when i said something ‘wrong’… to which i never knew what i had said.

    … threats that i needed to leave b/c things werent right.

    … the CONFUSION as i felt crazy for remembering things other than how she would remember them. she forgot arguments… called them debates if she did… and told me i was taking things way too serious.

    … times i was told i was being too sensitive. had i been less, i would still be in that mess.

    the sad part is that i should have never pursued this woman from day one. sure she seemed amazing, but had i thought through or been aware of the attraction to men who have been abused to get into more relationships where they can be abused… i wouldnt have given her the time of day.

    if ive learned one thing… trust your gut… if you dont feel safe around a person and you are sober… run, dont walk, away from the situation. it certainly hasnt been worth the mind-jobs after major episodes and the reconditioning to accept the continued abuse.

    i also think bypassing the small investments of a friendship over time prior to a full on romantic involvement are the only way to develop a true sense of who the person is. if you love yourself, then be good to yourself.

    it should be obvious to you if you are a good person, meaning you treat your partner with respect and care for them outwardly as you do in your heart. and not only this partner.. it should be obvious by how you are centrally anyway. in saying that… love yourself first.. develop great solid self-worth first and be free to love and be loved.

    a soft tongue can break a bone.

    rescue yourself as i did. loneliness isnt deadly… it can be long felt but temporary and well worth the safety.

    and be smart… dont be swayed into another abusive relationship. steer the car out of the ditch onto the road, not a knee jerk into the other ditch on the other side oft he road.

    love thyself. others will benefit if you do. fear has amazing control ability… question what you fear and find out why it is there. you may be shocked at first, but ultimately find liberation in the end.

    great hopes to you who are in it
    great joy shared to those who have escaped with their life.

  21. Amen! You are so right!
    Thank you for posting 🙂

  22. Kathleen Brieske says:

    well I am a woman helplessly watching my 28 yeaar old son think he can fix it. We know that is just not going to happen. She is actually the one who has involved me in this. I have listened to the criticisms and complaints, then try to show her a happy medium to help. Such as: How a man needs to feel like the head of the household. Not a controlling figure but a respected and supported head. He lost his job a couple months ago, and things are bad. I again reminded her that support not criticism is important for anyone’s self esteem, and that I think he feels he’s failed her and their 3 small kids and he feels alone in dealing with things he just has no answers for. He actually gets in unemployment more than alot of people make working full time, but it’s not enough. To make herhappy she is spending the money on needless things and major bills aren’t being paid. He has sold some of their possessions such as his car so the remaining one is hers the cell phone is hers and now that she has gone to work parttime all that money is hers . he goes without and he is to blame that now they are behind. It is sad because he does love her. He does acknowledge he isn’t blind to it all, but wants to remain oppomistic. I am left with only my faith that God will protect him and show him the way. The worst thing is she puts him down to the kids, so there is no respect there, but at the same time “you are home, you watch them, and I don’t know when I’ll be off” Anything to keep him isolated and under her control. Six months ago he did leave for a couple months and she begged for him to come back, things would be different if only she be given the chance. the next breathe though was, or you will be paying me no less than X amount of dollars in child support. She bad mouthed him to everyone, he was made to look as if he abandoned her and the kids. Not true. She was able to sweet talk him into coming back and now the abuse is worse and the kids see all of it. When I try reasoning with these 4,3, and 2 year old urging them not to be so disrespective to their father; they laugh in my face. In fact the four year old told me today you are just old. I told him That’s right I am old enough to insist he doesn’t speak to me that way and he’s not to do it again. Now where does a 4 year old look at their grandmother as you are just old? I have no doubt who told him this . In fact you had to have heard us talking and soon appeared with a no care almost smirk on her face. You see unless you play into the insults with agreement she doesn’t have control over me , even though I truly have stayed nuetral and haven’t been on one side ; when it comes to the kids I will not allow willful and deliberate disrepect of any adult especially their father. Sorry so long but I really need some advice or encouragement Thank You Kathleen.

  23. Hello Kathleen I am all too familiar with what you are experiencing as a mother and a grandmother. I too have gone through years of watching the games and the torment of a son living with a Narcissist partner for years. You are lucky enough to have figured her out much earlier that I did. Now is the time to educate yourself and help to educate your son on the realities of the situation. I recommend going to the website for The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education as a starting point. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/. When it comes to education on Pathological relationships Sandra Brown is the expert and I swear by her and her work. It may look like the site is geared towards women abused by men but that is not the case. There is just as many men being abused by women. Pathology is not gender specific. Please check out the site and try to get your son to as well. However be careful and not let her know what you are doing. I am going to send you a personal e-mail with some other information. Please know you are not alone.
    Thank you for posting.

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