NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY

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I ran across these videos today from menwhoareabused.com and they are full of good information for men and women about Narcissistic relationships. I have not yet checked out the website in it’s entirety as of yet however the videos are a good resource for understanding how a Narcissist works from someone with first hand experience.

Although in these videos “Jim” speaks of men abused by narcissistic women, the same is true for women abused by narcissistic men.  So whether you are male of female and are being abused emotionally and even physically by your partner or know someone who is please take a few minutes to review these clips. They just may help save someone you love if not yourself.

The Narcissist Part One.  Source menwhoareabused.com

The Narcissist Part Two.  Source menwhoareabused.com

The Narcissist Part Three.  Source menwhoareabused.com

The Narcissist Part Four.  Source menwhoareabused.com

The Narcissist Part five.  Source menwhoareabused.com

The Narcissist Part six.  Source menwhoareabused.com

The Narcissist Part seven.  Source menwhoareabused.com


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http://survivorquotes.bravehost.com/danddd.html


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19 Responses to NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY

  1. HOW MANY NARCISSISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB continued:

    C. Well now, if the lightbulb has VERY GOOD BOUNDARIES and does not give in to narcissistic demand it is possible that no number of narcissists could ever change it.

    D. It’s my lightbulb. I’ll change it myself, if and when I choose.

  2. Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms.
    Elizabeth Bowen

  3. In an individualistic culture, the narcissist is God’s gift to the world. In a collectivist society, the narcissist is God’s gift to the collective.
    Christopher Lasch

  4. How do Narcissits Get So Good at Manipulation

    It’s a known fact that narcissists and psychopaths have amazing powers to sucker and manipulate people. Your typical street con artist is a good example. Authorities warn us not to laugh at the victim and think that we ourselves would never be stupid enough to fall for a con artist’s scheme. Indeed, people en masse often fall for one to elect that guy President for Life. Psychopaths routinely sucker even their therapists. Even while still teenagers, they are expert enough at manipulation to do so.

    When you are outside the con job’s sphere of influence, you see clearly. You wonder what the heck the conned person is thinking. To you it couldn’t be more obvious that this is a con job – the warning sirens are blaring. But the mark is oblivious. You wonder what “got into” him or her. (I love that phrase.) They seem under a spell. You see them doing things like automatons, remotely controlled by the manipulator. All he need do is drop hints to control through the mere power of suggestion and – BOOM – the conned person is thinking or doing exactly what the manipulator wants. The victim might as well be a hand or foot of his.

    This is truly spooky. How does it happen?

    I studied etymology, and what I learned from the archaic root meanings of words convinced me that the mythology of darkness and magic gradually evolved from a lexicon of language struggling to deal with this seemingly magical power some people have.

    But it isn’t magic.

    The problem is that we have no idea how good at manipulation some people are. They are so good at it, that when we find out how good they are, it blows our mind. How do they get so good at it?

    Are these narcissists just brilliant, with astronomical IQs? Well, the more intelligent they are, the more dangerous they are, of course. But, no, they aren’t all intelligent. They don’t have to be.

    It’s just a simple matter of “practice makes perfect.”

    You too would be that good a manipulator if you practiced manipulating people 24-7-365 for a lifetime.

    When we interact with others, we are usually trying to communicate. Only rarely are we trying to make an impression instead. Narcissists and psychopaths are always trying to make an impression. They are never trying to communicate. In fact, they block attempts to communicate.

    Remember when you were a teenager and met that cool guy or gal? In that situation, we are so busy trying to make a good impression that we do embarrassing things. We are so busy trying to SOUND clever that we say the stupidest things. Our mouths get ahead of our brains.

    While we are putting on this star-studded performance, we aren’t listening to him or her. We are interested only in the KIND of thing they say and the tone of voice they say it in. Their gestures and body language – we don’t miss a beat. We aren’t interested in their face, only the expression on it. Why? Because we are studying their continuing reaction to our actions: Ah! a smile! Oh-oh, a frown! OK – there – I got the smile back again. Oh good, s/he stepped closer to me.

    See what I’m getting at? When we are operating in this mode, everything we say and do is for effect. We observe the effects and tune our behavior to win the kind of reaction we want. In other words, we are PLAYING that person for the reaction we want. We are trying to manipulate him or her. We are manipulating that smile from him or her. If one thing we say or do doesn’t win it, we just try something else and keep trying things till we hit upon what impresses that person as something to smile at. Hence, if we blow it and get a frown instead, in our haste to transform it to a smile we can contradict ourselves in two seconds flat.

    We are not being ourselves when we do this. We are quite literally being someone else. We are putting on an act. Our true character doesn’t come through, because we are acting out the part of an idealized version of ourselves, an impressive idealized version of ourselves, a purely fictitious character. All because our aim isn’t to communicate – it’s simply to make an impression.

    We can laugh about this rite of passage into sexual adulthood now. It’s so awkward. We prefer the company of people we can be ourselves with. But even in adulthood people occasionally go into this mode. In a job interview, for example. Or when meeting a famous or important person.

    We never get good at manipulating people though, because we seldom get into this mode where we try to.

    Now imagine if you were in this mode all the time with everyone your whole life. That’s a lot of practice. Through sheer trial and error, you will become an expert at what produces a smile in another person, or a frown or a look of fear or dejection or shame or anger or whatever you want. You will become an expert at what makes them get mad at some third party you are talking about. You will become an expert at what pushes people’s buttons to do a whole list of things you want in various situations. You will be an expert at controlling people this way.

    That’s what narcissists are psychopaths are – experts, because they are in this mode all the time with everyone their whole life. Is it even possible for them to cut it out? I doubt it. They don’t even know what normal human interaction is. They are always just trying to make an impression. They are never trying to communicate. They block communication. They don’t want you to know them. The real them, that is. It’s their deepest, darkest secret.

    Being in this mode explains why they contradict themselves so fast and furiously when you lock horns with them. Why they are a nervous blur and never hear what you say. Why they don’t later recognize your face or remember your name. They aren’t paying attention to any of that in a conversation. They are just studying facial EXPRESSIONS, body language, tone of voice, and gestures. What you are saying and what they are saying gets tuned out because it doesn’t matter to them. Neither does the matter you are discussing. They will say the sky is purple if they think it will draw the reaction from you that they want.

    That’s a lifetime of 24-7-365 practice at conning and manipulation. Practice makes perfect. So, never, never, never underestimate their powers of con artistry and manipulation. They can and will fool ANYONE.
    Source: What Makes Narcissists Tick


  5. What Makes Narcissists Tick
    Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder
    (NPD — malignant narcissism)

    The URL of this website has been changed to
    http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com.
    Please update your bookmarks.
    narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder

    In this painting by John William Waterhouse, we see a portrait of the malignant narcissist. He is someone totally absorbed in how he looks, sounds, seems. That’s all that matters to him. Nothing else gets any of his attention.

    What’s so malignant about that? Look, who – or what – is he making love to? Not his lover, that’s for sure.

    What does this mean? It means that, unlike normal people, his actions don’t express himself. Ever. Even in an intimate moment like this. To the contrary, he does everything solely for effect, while studying his reflection, to perfect how he looks, sounds, seems.

    And so, in this interaction, the other party might as well not even be there as far as he’s concerned. Look, he is getting 100% of Echo’s attention without paying her one bit in return. Her breaking heart might as well be a twig breaking for all he cares.

    So, something is obviously lacking in this parasite. It’s that something that normally keeps the members of a species from regarding each other as food.

  6. Narcissists Suck Blog
    Saturday, October 25, 2008
    Calling Narcissists Evil: Stumbling Block or Life Line?
    A question was asked of me in the comments section for my post, “The Perennial Question…Are Narcissists Evil?”

    Is it always necessary to view the N as “evil” in order to go no contact? I can see where recognizing evil is beneficial for the victim who is having trouble breaking away from the N. Are there cases of victims who successfully broke away not by defining the N as evil, but just by defining the situation as incompatibility? I ask because some victims, for a variety of reasons, may be reluctant to call the N “evil”, and this may be a stumbling block.

    People who are stuck in relationships with narcissists are generally people who have been reluctant to call the narcissist evil. The stumbling block they are dealing with is their own inability to properly label the malevolent force they call “Mom” or “Dad” or “Spouse”. There is very little evidence to support a contention that my calling narcissists evil is a stumbling block to individuals who are in a relationship with a narcissist and thereby preventing them from breaking from the narcissist. Truth is, it is their own reluctance to call evil by its right name that is the problem. The problem is not that I am consistently calling narcissists evil. On the other hand there are reams of evidence that many who were previously unable to see the evil of narcissism have found relief and escape from seeing narcissists properly labeled as the evil force they are.

    Is it necessary to view the narcissist as evil in order to go no contact? Is just seeing the situation as being a case of incompatibility enough rationale to make an escape? I am sure there are people who can justify leaving a relationship based on simply calling on incompatibility as justification. My blog isn’t for those people. They don’t need to read what I have to say. In fact, this person is very unlikely to go to Google to type in some search in order to demystify what they’ve gone through or are going through. They have simply shrugged off the parasite and moved on. No damage done. The person you describe has likely never even seen my blog.

    What I’ve recognized is that some relationships are very hard to extricate from due to societal pressures and ingrained teaching from our earliest moments of sentience. Parents. Children. Siblings. Spouses. Probably in that order. These are the relationships which we find very difficult to terminate based alone on that word “incompatibility”. No one distances themselves from their parents by simply citing “incompatibility”. It is never that easy.

    This means that the person who is being systematically destroyed by a narcissist…usually by a family narcissist…has a daunting task before them. The task is to properly identify what force they have been trying to reckon with all these years. Many of these people have been reluctant to label this force as being “evil” mostly because the narcissist has taught them to see things upside down and inside out, black as white, and evil as good. How many times have family narcissists presented themselves as the embodiment of all that is good? All. The. Time. If someone doesn’t call the narcissist’s so-called good what it really is…evil…then there is likely little hope of helping the victim out of their victimhood. They will continue on believing that the evil is centered in themselves, that they are the one who is crazy, that they are the problem. You know, all the lies the narcissist has taught them to believe in order that the narcissist can escape accountability.

    You don’t have to be entangled with a narcissist for very long to get the sense that evil exists. The problem is that you’re not quite sure where it resides. This is because the narcissist is careful to project their own evil outward from themselves onto whomever is handy. Likely, YOU. The narcissist is well aware that evil exists in themselves and are desperate to not get pinned down themselves with the very proper label of evil. Here, on my blog, I will put the proper label on the evil doer. I will not mollycoddle anyone by mincing my words. My creed is: never fight reality because reality always wins. The narcissist is the one always fighting reality. We cannot hope to win against the narcissist unless we fixate like a laser beam on reality. It is reality that exposes the narcissist. One of those realities is that what they do and what they are is EVIL.

    I am not daunted by people’s reluctance to call evil by its right name. I present my case. Blog post by blog post. Definitions, evidence, moral principles. What is very interesting is how many times someone will dismiss evil when it happens to them but can clearly see some act against someone else as being evil. We have been taught (by the narcissist) to minimize the effects of evil behaviors on ourselves, but we will often not minimize evil when it is perpetrated on someone else. This blog is often a place where people can see the evil done to others. With a little extra help they are then able to make the leap, “If that behavior is evil when done to others then it was just as evil when it was done to me!”

    In my opinion, based on personal experience, individuals who are ‘put off’ by calling narcissists evil have their own ulterior motives. There is very likely some behavior in their own lives they are trying to justify, to get away with. A behavior(s) which is destructive to others and aggrandizing to themselves. There is simply too much evidence that the narcissist is evil…as defined both by their intent and behaviors…to dismiss the label out of hand. When someone refuses to properly label what narcissists do and the effects they have on others then I harbor mistrust of that person’s agenda. At the very least, I mistrust that person’s moral sensibilities.

    I am a blood hound set on the scent of the narcissist. I will sniff them out of their hiding place. They always hide under a cloak of goodness. A pretense of righteousness. They get away with their evil by calling their evil good. So, dammit, I will rip their shabby little fig leaves away so you can see the narcissist without their pretended goodness. What you are left with is naked evil. It may be an ugly sight but that isn’t my fault. It is the fault of the narcissist for being spiritually, emotionally and mentally twisted and grotesque. It is the fault of the narcissist that they are predatory, cruel, hateful, insatiably coveteous of what you have, and emotionally arrested. I will call evil what it is. Each and every time. If someone is ‘put off’ by that then I accept that I have nothing for them. I can’t be all things to all people and am certainly not trying to be.

    This blog is specifically addressing the problem of malignant narcissism. As I’ve said before, a synonym of ‘malignant’ is the word evil. Malignant narcissism is destructive and malevolent. People who come here have been injured in some measurable way. Calling things by their right names is essential for identifying the problem and finding a solution to the problem. If someone was able to just cite “incompatibility” as a rationale for leaving the situation do you think they’d need to come to my blog for insight? People who come here are suffering. There is a reason for their suffering and I’m not afraid to name that reason.

    Properly identifying evil behaviors and evil people is not a stumbling block. It is a life line. People may refuse to take the life line. That is their choice. I wouldn’t throw a string down to a person trapped in a pit and say, “just grab this and you can climb out!” Would I get credit for trying to save that person even though I just threw them a string which is absolutely useless for the task? Not to sane and rational people. No, I will throw that person a knotted rope. They get to choose whether or not to use it. If they don’t like my rope they are welcome to stay in the pit. I did my best.
    Posted by Anna Valerious at 12:40 PM 54 comments Links to this post
    Labels: Concept of Evil

  7. Luke 17:33 Ministries

    We are a Bible-based and Holy Ghost-inspired sisterhood for those who seek support in developing self-esteem, setting boundaries and limits, forgiveness, Godly confrontation, recognizing and cutting ties with reprobates, healing, and rejoicing in the peace and love of the Lord, our Father.

    If you have ever experienced Adult Child Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, we welcome you and pray that you will find our website helpful.

    You are not alone.

    There are thousands of us just like you, with birth-families just like yours.

    You will never be alone.

    ‘When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up’…..Psalm 27:10KJV.

    ‘Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands’……Isaiah 49: 15-16NIV.

    TAKE HEED TO YOURSELVES: IF THY BROTHER TRESPASS AGAINST THEE, REBUKE HIM; AND IF HE REPENT, FORGIVE HIM…..Luke 17:3

    Luke 17:3 is the scripture often misquoted, usually by an abuser or his Silent Partners, when he tells you that the Bible says ‘Forgive and Forget’, or that you must forgive him because you are a Christian. However, Jesus is very specific when He tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents, to forgive him. Have you rebuked your abuser, and has he or she repented?

    The Bible tells us to forgive as God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13).God forgives us when we come to him, confess our sin, ask for forgiveness (apologize) and repent (turn from our sinful ways).( Ezekiel 33:10-19, Isaiah 55:6, Jeremiah 6:16 & 26:3, Luke 13:3 & 5, Acts 3:19). He does not forgive those who are ‘stiff-necked’, continue doing evil, or refuse to repent. The Lord does not expect more of us than he himself is willing to do! Do we imagine ourselves to be holier than God? God requires repentance, and so must we.

    We hope to provide you with helpful Scripture, book reviews, and original articles on realizing when you’re being abused, manipulated, or controlled, setting limits and boundaries, learning to say ‘No’ without feeling guilty, forgiveness, meaningful vs. meaningless apologies, understanding the abuser as well as other relatives who defend him, learning to let an abuser suffer the Natural Consequences of his behavior, improving your holidays, cutting ties with evil people, recovering from a lost relationship, and, most importantly, learning to rely on our real Father and his limitless love for you.

    Please take your time and browse through all the sections on our site. Just scroll to the bottom of each section for articles you can click on to read. For a quick list of all our articles, see the Index of Current and Future Articles. God bless you, dear Sister, in your search for peace.

  8. Aging Narcissists
    Saturday, November 24, 2007
    Narcissists Don’t End Well

    Unlike what I hear about a good wine, narcissists do not age well. This is being emphasized again for me as I finish reading Alison Weir’s book, “The Life of Elizabeth I”.

    In the latter years of her reign Elizabeth’s tumultuous relationship with the Earl of Essex is laid out detail by detail in Weir’s book. Essex was a young cousin of the monarch through Anne Boleyn and the step-son of the Earl of Leicester. For those who know anything about Elizabeth I you know that the Earl of Leicester was very dear to Elizabeth from before she ascended the throne until his death many years later by age and disease. There were ups and downs all throughout her relationship with the Earl of Leicester but his love and loyalty for her was supreme and unfailing despite the many falling outs he experienced with her favor.

    Not so the Earl of Essex. Ambitious but lazy, aspiring to military reknown but a failure on the field, good at the courtly language of “love-making” but a decided misogynist, he rose quickly in the queen’s favor in his youth due to his familial connection to Elizabeth as well as the recommendation of the Earl of Leicester. It quickly becomes evident that the young Earl of Essex perceives the queen as only the means to his ends while her affection for him was genuine.

    Reading this history of Essex you see a profile of a classic malignant narcissist. Weir’s very detailed and painstaking research fully exposes the base character of an evil man who, thankfully, ended badly. No, Weir doesn’t describe Essex as evil. His deeds alone prove that point.

    I railed in my mind against the queen’s indulgence of this man as I read the book. Her patience and forgiveness seemed inexhaustible. Essex’s character become more and more entrenched and dedicated to his own agenda with every granting of royal favor given him. His life was a study of a force of nature wreaking havoc and destruction in his path. He used slander and insinuations to destroy all those he perceived as his enemies. He stole the valor of others to use as his own. He was petulant and ceaselessly demanding of the queen; frequently forgetting his “place” he would treat her like an equal or even his lesser.

    Finally, as the result of his own incessant demands and against the better judgment of the queen, Essex is allowed to go to Ireland to attempt to defeat Tyrone. The largest army of Elizabeth’s reign was given him. The end result was a completely botched military expedition. Essex repeatedly defied all commands he was given, refused to confront Tyrone, frittered away a fortune in funds, watched his army desert and die by disease in huge numbers, and finally he deserted his own command.

    You then get to see the final descent into madness through this narcissistic injury inflicted by his own abysmal failures and absolute refusal to ever take wise advice from anyone. He becomes magnified in all his character flaws. He becomes paranoid. He starts to lose his grip on reality. Objective witnesses describe him at this time as being “mad”. In the swirling, churning maelstrom of his delusions of grandeur he makes one last plot which includes over-throwing the queen. By blood shed if necessary.

    The “Essex Rebellion” was not his first hand-shake with treason. As he was finally being forced to actually use his army in Ireland he entered into treasonous treaty with Tyrone. Word had filtered back to the queen of Essex’s attempt to save his own image as a military leader by selling out his duty to his country. He was finally exposed to the mind of the queen as the base character he was. Finally, she let herself believe the truth about him. Finally, she decided to deal firmly and without the usual mercy he was accustomed to receiving from her.

    Her firm actions against Essex were meant to humble him. She did not have it out to shed his blood. She was not even pursuing getting him for treason. She just wanted to finally force him to own his crap and, for once, display some appropriate contrition and true humility. It was in the wake of a series of her decisions which ran against Essex’s financial means of support and her absolute refusal to answer his non-apology letters or to see him in person which finally exposed the fullness of his malignancy.

    The Essex Rebellion was born.

    What I was gratified to see was how fully exposed he finally was to the mind of the queen. At this time she was near the end of her very lengthy reign. Elizabeth was an extremely merciful ruler. She hated blood shed. She had often throughout her reign refused to sign death warrants when she should have to protect her reign and her country. Mary Queen of Scots being a prime example of that. There were others throughout the years who had fully earned the condemnation of the law and the block. Her hand would tremble and refuse to sign the warrant. They would live. If she was finally forced to sign someone’s death warrant it would greatly affect her. First, she would stall for months, even years. She would usually stay in her apartments the day of the execution and sometimes longer because it affected her deeply. She was very sparing with the death penalty all throughout her reign.

    It was very different with Essex. This was the first time she was handed the death warrant after the trial and, without her usual equivocation, she with firm hand signed the document. For all her faults, Elizabeth was a woman of principle. Obviously, she had unequivocal evidence to her mind that his man was unredeemable and a constant threat to the health of her realm and her own life. In the many years previous her affection for Essex was real and deep. Her indulgence of him was because of her affection. He chose to see her affection as her weakness. Her discipline of him when he grossly stepped out of line was just her way of helping him maneuver back into her favor. What I am trying to emphasize is that it was a testimony to the rottenness of his character that even the merciful and indulgent queen was eventually forced to cut this malignant narcissist forever out of her life…out of her realm.

    The final letters and speeches of the Earl were interesting to read. He would appear to be fully contrite and humbled only in the next sentence, or the next speech, to excuse himself by trying to implicate as many others as he could. Spreading blame he would try to minimize his own blame even while pretending to take all the blame. Such classic N behavior.

    It took three blows for the ax to completely sever his head from his body, though Ms. Weir says it was likely the first blow which killed him because he body didn’t move after that first blow. Can’t tell you how much relief I felt to see a dangerous and malignant narcissist get what he deserved in the end. They don’t usually meet such satisfying ends except in the movies.

    Essex is yet another illustration that the narcissist doesn’t improve with age. The success of their early schemes, the repeated indulgences of those around them, and the persistence of the narcissist’s grandiosity delusions results in the hardening off of the character. There is no hope of reform for the aged narcissist.

    We form our own characters by the choices we make. The older we are, the more choices we’ve made. The preponderance of those choices will tip the scale one direction or the other. Either we become more mature, wise and good…or we become a study in the entropy of evil. When the malignant narcissist shows their tender underbelly in an often convincing act of subservience and humility it is only to buy them another day to stab you in the back. The narcissist does not change. When the narcissist suddenly seems to change, to mellow, to back off, you believe the ruse at your own risk. They don’t change. They lay in wait.

    We can’t send our narcissists to the scaffold, but we can cut them off. They are a constant threat to the peace and safety of your realm. If you won’t let yourself know that you are in perpetual danger. All that you value and love in this world is in danger. Let yourself know this truth sooner rather than later.
    Posted by Anna Valerious at 11:45 AM 6 comments Links to this post
    Labels: Aging Narcissists

  9. Monday, April 14, 2008
    A Malignant Narcissist’s Shock Tactics

    One of the most glaring outward signs of malignant narcissism is the way narcissists malign others. They are constantly improving their own image at someone else’s expense.

    Another very red flag is perverted reactions to things. This red flag can’t be missed, because it’s downright shocking. But you witness it infrequently, and it’s so perplexing that people unfailingly disbelieve their very eyes and blow off this warning sign.

    Therefore, whenever you DO witness a perverted reaction to something, DO NOT blow it off. It is always a very bad sign.

    For example, the narcissist inexplicably gets angry at what should please. You expected a smile and – WHAM – you got a look that could kill instead. It sets you reeling, doesn’t it?

    Guess what? That’s exactly why the narcissist does that = to set you reeling so you are easy to run over.

    Other examples are being repulsed by what should endear. Laughing at what is tragic.

    You know – those bizarre reactions that make you want to pinch yourself. Those reactions that you cannot quite believe even though you have seen them with your own eyes.

    Remember that normal people don’t do that.

    My experience convinces me that narcissists use these backwards reactions to things as shock tactics. They strike you as the sight of apple falling UP from a tree would. It takes you aback. It disarms you.

    That way the narcissist gets away with it, because you are stunned. It’s kinda like a “sucker punch”.

    While your jaw is hanging and you are wondering where that reaction came from – whether you or the narcissist is the crazy one – the narcissist performs this hit-and-run to get away with the abuse.
    http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/04/malignant-narcissists-shock-tactics.html
    It’s a way to disable you (by morally stunning you) so that you cannot defend yourself from the attack. The term for disabling and then attacking someone is “mayhem.” Needless to say, it’s the lowest of the low who fight that way.

    Know anybody who does that you? Who somehow takes offense and gets mad just when you are saying or doing something that should make them happy? If you do know anyone like this, stay away from them. It’s a stunt. A perverted stunt to catch you off guard and run you over.

    And normal people, people of goodwill, don’t do that.


  10. Tuesday, March 18, 2008
    The Rat Game

    In a psychological experiment, you can take a bunch of lab rats, put them in a cage, and equip it with a button that delivers a treat when they push it.

    You know what happens: soon those rats will learn to push it like crazy.

    Then alter the button so it sometimes delivers a painful electric shock instead of a treat. Those rats still keep pushing it.

    Then alter the button some more, so that it often delivers a painful electric shock instead of a treat. Those rats still keep pushing it.

    Fix it so that pushing the button almost always delivers a painful shock. Ditto.

    Fix it so pushing the button always delivers a painful shock. Ditto.

    Long after pushing the button never delivers a treat, those rats keep pushing that button until it kills them.

    Now rats certainly don’t seek pain, so what’s the matter with these crazy rats?

    But they aren’t crazy (at least not till near the end). Or codependent 😉 They are just normal rats in a perverted world that has gone upside-down on them. In that abnormal world, their normal behavior betrays them to the opposite of what they’re after.

    That’s because pushing the button delivered pleasure at first. If it had delivered pain at first, they’d stay away from it forever after, no matter how frequently you later set the button to deliver a treat. Even if they then accidentally discover that it sometimes delivers a treat, they will never intentionally touch it.

    This is because nature hasn’t equipped their brain’s hard wiring (basic instincts) to accommodate such a situation. Therefore, once rats have LEARNED to associate something with pleasure, that’s it. It seems desirable forever after. Since such flip-flopping perversity never occurs in the natural world, their brains aren’t equipped to deal with it. Only perverted people change things so that a source of pleasure becomes a source of pain.

    People react to the Rat Game the same way rats do.

    Your first two weeks in a new place of work. The resident narcissist comes up to you, and though he ranks no higher than you, he gives you a job evaluation without ever having seen your work. He tells you that you have a lot on the ball.

    That’s your treat. Instead of asking him who he thinks he is to be judging your job performance, you are flattered and want more of what he’s selling.

    You’ll get nothing but treats like that for awhile, and then suddenly one day you’ll get a painful shock instead. When you greet him, he will give you nothing but the stink-eye and look away, refusing to speak to you.

    After your shock wears off, you will suffer wondering what terrible thing he thinks you did. You will try to make him give you treats again.

    But he will always be unpredictable. He will be able to get mad at ANYTHING or to praise you for ANYTHING. It’s totally arbitrary, because he can make anything good sound bad and vice versa. He can judge you as “too this” or “too that” at his whim.

    But you will keep pushing that button till it kills you.

    A therapist taught a woman I used to know about this, because her husband abused her with it.

    It’s a very common game. One narcissist told me that “the best part is that you never even get to know what you did” that made him mad.

    That’s because it wasn’t anything you did that made him mad. His anger, like all the faces he puts on, is just a pumped-up put-on to draw the reaction from you that he wants.

  11. The Essence of Narccissisim

    To understand what is going on in your relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), we must dig down to the root of the disease. Ready to take a stab at it?
    When we interact with someone, our actions draw feedback in response. Our actions aren’t just acts, as if we are communicating by kissing or punching that other person. Usually our communicating actions are words and other media of communication such as facial expression, tone of voice, diction (word choice), posture, gestures, and so forth.

    Think of all this as information in a message we’re sending.

    It draws continuous feedback. This feedback isn’t just what that other person does or says back. It’s also the information in the look on his face, the tone of his voice, his diction, posture, gestures, and so forth.

    We are alert to this feedback, because it is the only evidence we have that communication is actually taking place. Even communicating computers continually issue feedback information about the data they are receiving, as during a download. For example, the only way a server on the Internet knows that it maintains a connection to your computer is through the constant feedback your machine sends, which essentially acknowledges the receipt of every packet of information by answering “Got it…got it…got it…got it….”

    We humans rely on this feedback information to judge whether our message is being understood and how it is being received. For example, a teacher constantly studies the looks on the faces of a class to see if they are getting what she says. She responds to this feedback, judging either that it’s safe to go on or that she should try to make the point more clear. Again, for example, if you are correcting a child and you see him start to hang his head, you respond by letting up. Or, at least if you aren’t a narcissist you respond that way: a narcissist will do the opposite and pile on.

    Why?

    This bounced-back information reflects the impression we’re making on whomever we’re interacting with. If what we’re saying brings a smile to his face, for example, we see that we’re making an agreeable impression on him. In other words, in this bounced-back information, we get a reflection, or an echo, of that impression. A reflection of our image.

    The word image in this context doesn’t just refer to our outward appearance. It usually refers mainly to our character, what kind of person we are.

    Our reactions to them are a mirror people see their reflection in.

    So, that other person is, as it were, a mirror, echoing the image of his impressions as feedback. When he is paying attention to us, it’s our own echoed image we see in the mirror of his face. Mostly in his eyes.

    Though we are aware of this reflection while interacting with others, normally it’s but one of many considerations in the moment-by-moment choices we make about our behavior. It may, for example, influence our word choice, tone of voice, facial expression, and so forth.

    But honest people rely on this feedback only to warn them of misunderstanding or hurting the other party’s feelings. They don’t prostitute themselves to it. For, that’s hypocrisy, as in the politician who says one thing to the people of one town and a contrary thing to the people of another town. Honest people don’t shape their behavior to reflect a warped/untrue image of themselves. In other words, they don’t act the way they do entirely for effect = to look or sound or seem a certain way.

    Unless they happen to be talking to themselves in the mirror like Hamlet does in his fiery soliloquies. If you’ve ever made a speech to yourself in the mirror, you know that it’s entirely for effect. When we are thus playing to our image reflected in a mirror, we are operating in a special mode. In fact, in that special mode we typically address ourselves in the second person (as “you” instead of “I”).

    Fortunately, before the bathroom mirror is normally the only time normal adults behave entirely for effect.

    Certain other circumstances may come close though. For example, when we meet a stranger, especially if he or she is a potential mate or an important person, we are anxious to make a good impression and may start posing a bit before that mirror. Which is why we say stupid things at such moments: we’re thinking about how we sound instead of what we’re saying. Being on a job interview is a similar situation. Those who keep their wits about them and don’t play to the mirror are the ones smart employers want.

    If you’re with me this far, you can understand what is different about narcissists. So, keep a tight grip on that thought: Attentive people’s faces are mirrors that we see our image reflected in. The problem with Narcissus is that he can’t get enough of his.

    Source: narcissism.operationdoubles.com

  12. Children of Narcissists

    Many say that narcissists’ children are likely to marry narcissists. While I see where this idea comes from and have seen it happen myself, I have not observed any “codependence.” That’s a fancy word for being a glutton for punishment.

    But there is no research to back up this pure speculation. It seems but wishful thinking to “validate” some of the pseudoscience with which psychology today is riddled: If you have married a narcissist, you are codependent, and that is because your own parents abused you as a child. So, the usual suspects leap to the conclusion that the people who marry narcissists are primarily the children of narcissists. No proof, no data, not one bit of research to support the assertion.

    In psychology today the “truth” isn’t determined by science: it’s determined by a voice-vote of whatever speculation and theorizing are blowing in the wind. The “experts” constantly state as known facts mere hypotheses unsubstantiated by any scientific data. Many have taken the next step: they now trivialize child abuse by asserting that virtually everyone’s parents abused them. According to them, every “less than nurturing” moment constitutes child abuse.

    This wild idea has already been extrapolated into the assertion by some that “psychopathy is just an insane moment that we all share” now and then. That’s just more of the usual making everyone evil in order to make no one evil and thereby do away with the “myth” of evil.

    If you follow that, you have my deepest sympathy 😉

    Yes, I have seen the child of a narcissist marry a narcissist, but she wasn’t a typical case. I think the truth is more complicated than that.

    For one thing, let us not forget that we are talking about normal people. Yes, they typically are meek, too patient, and have low self-esteem. But that does not make them sick in the head. They are also typically strong. Unlike the personality-disordered, they are not machines. They each respond to the influence of parental narcissism in his or her own way.

    In fact, I bet research would find that the normal children of narcissists are more likely to never marry. This might depend on whether the narcissistic parent was father, mother, or both and on whether the child is a man or a woman.

    I can hear those gears in your head grinding. Does this mean that they are likely to be homosexual? Considering all the Freudian permutations that could be at work, that doesn’t seem far out to me. But I don’t know of any homosexual children of narcissists. I know of one frigid narcissistic daughter of a narcissist, and I will bet the farm on another. But, I have seen nothing in the normal children of narcissists that hinted at anything but typical heterosexuality. Unless you subscribe to the bigoted myths that all married people are heterosexual, that all single people are frigid or homosexual, and that homosexuality is some mental disease.

    There are, however, some other things it is pretty safe to say about the normal children of narcissists.

    One is that they are likely to tolerate narcissists. When you grow up with things, you have no way of knowing that they are abnormal. You think that some people “are just like that.” You’re trained to tolerate it, because to do anything but is a sin. You’re even brainwashed into thinking it’s your fault. You have no way of knowing that everyone’s home is not like yours, that you are growing up in a home headed by somebody who belongs in psyche ward.

    If you are a Baby-Boomer, you didn’t even get a clue from TV. You grew up watching Father Knows Best and Leave It to Beaver. Father’s role reinforced your narcissistic father’s superiority and infallibility by virtue of his age, size, and sex. But since TV fathers came from a different planet than yours, the threshold for suspension of your disbelief was much higher than for other people. Too high. So these shows, which challenged everyone’s ability to suspend disbelief, weren’t even remotely realistic to you. Never once did they make you wonder why, unlike the TV father, your father took no interest in you, never put his arm around you, never played with you, never had anything to do with you at all. That’s because you never viewed TV as a portrayal of real family life. Therefore, even TV gave you no clue that other families were different, that your daddy sucked and that you had every right to what you craved. TV today is a little better at portraying normal family life, but not much.

    Yet tolerance of narcissists is not knuckling under to them. Let’s clear up the sloppy thinking that equates the two.

    Nobody knows better than the normal children of narcissists that, to survive as a person, you must never let anyone own you. They protect their right to private ownership of themselves, because they know the consequences of letting others make their personal and private choices for them. Such as what to think, how to feel, what to say. They know that letting anyone treat your head as his property, to furnish as he pleases, is moral prostitution that destroys your integrity. They also know that, like any partier who takes over someone else’s house, he is probably going to trash it.

    And so, though narcissists ballistically violate every right to privacy they see, thinking their own privacy extends to the outer limits of deep space, the normal children of narcissists are keenly aware of the borders of personal privacy and have fortified them. For example, one narcissist I know of ordered an employee to take the rest of the day off. This was a dirty trick that had successfully gotten other employees to falsely incriminate themselves by obeying the order. But when he tried to thus make up the mind of a narcissist’s daughter, he hit a brick wall. She replied, “You can send me home if you want, and if you do I’ll go. But you can’t order me to take the day off. And I choose not to take the rest of the day off.”

    Note the willing obedience up to a sharply drawn line she would not let him cross. How do the children of narcissists get so clear about their boundaries and so solid in defense of them?

    By surviving a childhood like the story of The Three Little Piggies and the Big Bad Wolf. Each little piggy’s house is his person, the private property of his body and mind. Our deepest instincts compel us to not let the Big Bad Wolf just barge in as if he owns the place. Why? Because doing that to another’s body is sexual rape, and doing that to another’s mind is moral rape, and even little children feel violated by either act. But, unlike the other little piggies, the narcissist’s child has learned that when you say no, the Big Bad Wolf huffs and puffs and tries to blow your little house down. So, this little piggy built his of brick.

    Note that this is true strength, backbone, integrity, moral purity. It is not the phony strength people of swollen self-esteem think they have. To the contrary, you find it in the modest. Note also that this is responsibility for oneself claimed, not avoided. In other words, the normal children of narcissists are often more grown up than many other people are.

    Another thing it is safe to say about the children of narcissists is that, from birth, they have had their self-esteem relentlessly assailed. Abused feelings are tender, sensitive feelings. As easily injured as burned skin. That is just a fact of life, not a moral fault.

    So, the children of narcissists are quite sensitive to criticism. It causes them real pain, because it inflames old wounds. To avoid this pain, they are conscientious and try hard to be liked. Since they aim to please, so long as you respect their boundaries, you can easily get them to do anything they do not think is wrong or foolish. Yet they have been trained to feel that something’s wrong with them if some intolerant person just can’t stand them being the way they are, looking the way they look, feeling the way they feel, or thinking what they think. All this manifests itself as low self-esteem and marks them as sensitive.

    Vicious attacks on sensitive feelings and low self-esteem draw far more blood than they would otherwise. So, the normal children of narcissists might as well go around wearing a target with the word VULNERABLE emblazoned on it. On seeing it, every bully in town thinks, “There is someone I can really hurt” = “someone I can be really powerful on.”

    Thus, narcissistic abuse in the home dooms them to life as a target for every bully they encounter. This is one reason why the children of narcissists do marry narcissists — not because they seek narcissistic mates, but because narcissists spot and target them as vulnerable prey. The wolf puts on sheep’s clothing and sweeps her off her feet, idealizing her and showering her with affection. Till the honeymoon is over. Then Dr. Jekyll’s mask comes off. She was no more likely to fall for this con artist than anyone else. Probably less likely, in fact. But narcissists target the kind of people the normal children of narcissists are.

    Often a narcissistic parent targets one child, the most sensitive/vulnerable, to take the brunt of his vaunting abuse. Watching this puts the others through worse hell than his abuse of themselves does. It makes them hate bullying with such passion that they become protective. Hence, they often become altruists. They are unlikely to join everyone else in kissing up to a bully by sicking on whomever he is terrorizing them by making an example of. If the targeted child in their home takes it out on the rest of the world by becoming a narcissist himself, his brothers and sisters feel so sorry for him that they make excuses for him and take his abuse far too long.

    Another thing it is safe to say about the children of narcissists is that they have a different view of marriage than other people. For example, the narcissistic son of a narcissistic mother may show no interest in marriage until she is about to die. Then he seeks a replacement for her. The narcissistic daughter of a narcissist may choose to remain single because she “wants no one to own her.”

    Of course, other factors that vary over time influence marital choices. For instance, half a century ago, being an “old maid” was almost unbearably shameful and made one a social outcast, excluded from social events and the community of friendships that married couples can take part in. It also meant that one would never make a decent living, achieve social stature, or own a home. Though equal rights and the high divorce rate has made society less hostile to the unmarried over time, to this day many employers don’t want bachelors.

    The normal children of narcissists are nonetheless more careful about marrying than other people are. They have seen nothing in marriage that anyone would want. They dream about “true love,” and like most of us, find nothing that fits its description in the movies. They do very much want to avoid the suspicious and critical view society takes of the unmarried, and they want very much to fit in. They also want children. But, the daughters of a narcissistic father, for example, have seen nothing mirrored in their father’s eyes for a man to love. So, they doubt professions of love and fear that a lover just wants a wife. They live in fear of a life like their mother’s. This ambivalence and caution, through sheer lack of luck, sometimes lead to never finding someone they trust enough to marry.

    Sad? Yes, but not nearly as sad as women who need a man, who view themselves as worth only what they are worth to some man, and who surrender their self-respect to get one. The absence of cupidity is not a vice.

    Yet another thing it is safe to say about the normal children of narcissists is that they have probably picked up bad habits in interacting with others. Outwardly, some of these bad habits appear narcissistic. Yet it is easy to tell the difference between a narcissist and a normal person. How? By simply asking him to stop it. The normal child of a narcissist will stop it. (A normal person who is not the child of a narcissist may not be so good about stopping it.) But a narcissist will do it all the more.

    This section shows why you should not jump to conclusions about people. There are many more normal children of narcissists than narcissists. So, run that little test of asking him to stop it before you make any judgments.

    These behaviors persist through young adulthood. They gradually disappear after the child leaves home, as he gets used to normal people and how things work in the real world.

    For example, the child of a narcissist may impolitely enter a room talking to interrupt the extant conversation. He hasn’t been taught that this is bad manners. To the contrary, his (dominant) narcissistic parent did that twenty times a day. Also, he has found it so hard to get attention that he feels he must hijack it.

    The difference between him and a narcissist, however, is easily demonstrated. If you ask him to stop it, he takes the message deeply to heart. In fact, you will find yourself trying to make him feel less bad about it. His behavior will change. A narcissist’s never does. To contrary, if you ask a narcissist to stop doing something, he does it all the more.

    Again for example, the only humor he was exposed to in his unhappy home was the unfunniness of sarcasm. Life with a narcissist left even his normal parent with nothing to laugh about, except — you guessed it — sarcasm. But again, if you ask him to stop it, he takes the message deeply to heart. Again you find yourself trying to make him feel less bad about it. Again his behavior changes. Whereas a narcissist’s never does.

    When the child of a narcissist leaves home, it takes a while for his own, natural sense of humor to germinate and grow in a new environment that is not hostile to it. The good news is that, by the time they reach their thirties, the normal children of narcissists often display a sense of humor more witty and charming than that of most other people. Perhaps because they themselves appreciate it so much.

    Again for example, the child of a narcissist may not accept praise or compliments gracefully. He is unused to them! Like anything extraordinary in our world, this extraordinary event throws him off balance. He has never learned to simply say, “Thank you.”

    Like a narcissist, he may protest that he doesn’t deserve it. But his reason for doing so is the opposite of a narcissist’s. It’s not because he feels it would humiliate him to say “Thank you.” It’s because this praise or compliment conflicts with a long history of judgments against him as being inadequate. He may suspect flattery. This goes with what I said above about the daughters of male narcissists doubting professions of love.

    Here again, the difference between him and a narcissist is easily demonstrated. If the other party takes the bull by the horns in the direct approach and responds with, “Why don’t you just say ‘Thank you?'” or “I am not flattering you. I really mean it” the child of a narcissist ponders his behavior and changes it. A narcissist never does.

    The normal parent can do much to ease her child’s adaptation to the real world by watching for such behaviors and teaching him to cope with these situations in interactions with normal people. It is as easy as saying, “When someone compliments you, just say ‘Thank you.'”

    Source: http://www.OperationDoubles.com

  13. Narcissists Suck: Your Narcissistic Mother
    It’s about secret things. The Destructive Narcissistic Parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. It’s about body language. It’s about disapproving glances. It’s about vocal tone. It’s very intimate. And it’s very powerful. It’s part of who the child is.

    – Chris

    Link to original article

  14. Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited
    Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
    Definition, Fact Sheet and Tips

    What is Narcissism?

    A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance and ambition.

    Most narcissists (75%) are men.

    NPD is one of a “family” of personality disorders (formerly known as “Cluster B”).

    Other members: Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.

    NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders (“co-morbidity”) – or with substance abuse, or impulsive and reckless behaviors (“dual diagnosis”).

    NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM).

    There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to NPD.

    It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.

    Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud. Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon, Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.

    The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.

    There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions – from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.

    Narcissists are either “Cerebral” (derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) – or “Somatic” (derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and “conquests”).

    Narcissists are either “Classic” – see definition below – or they are “Compensatory”, or “Inverted” – see definitions here: “The Inverted Narcissist”.

    NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioral). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviors (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) – usually with some success.

    Please read CAREFULLY!

    The text in italics is NOT based on the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual, Fourth Edition-Text Revision (2000).

    The text in italics IS based on “Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited”, fourth, revised, printing (2003)

    An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:

    *

    Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

    *

    Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion

    *

    Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)

    *

    Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply)

    *

    Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favorable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations

    *

    Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends

    *

    Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others

    *

    Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her

    *

    Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted

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    Some of the language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from:

    American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition, Text Revision (DSM IV-TR). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

    The text in italics is based on:

    Sam Vaknin. (2003). Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited, fourth, revised, printing. Prague and Skopje: Narcissus Publication.

    For the exact language of the DSM IV criteria – please refer to the manual itself !!!

    FIVE DON’T DO’S
    How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist

    *

    Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him

    *

    Never offer him any intimacy

    *

    Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on)

    *

    Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity

    *

    Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: “I think you overlooked … made a mistake here … you don’t know … do you know … you were not here yesterday so … you cannot … you should … (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) … I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly) …” You get the gist of it.

    The TEN DO’S
    How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You
    If you INSIST on Staying with Him

    *

    Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don’t believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.

    *

    Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary NS for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any case.

    *

    Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking).

    *

    Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.

    *

    Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and “I’ll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion”.

    *

    If your narcissist is cerebral and NOT interested in having much sex – then give yourself ample permission to have “hidden” sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.

    *

    If your narcissist is somatic and you don’t mind, join in on endlessly interesting group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind).

    *

    If you are a “fixer”, then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become “situations”. Don’t for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist – it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn – they just simply can’t be fixed.

    *

    If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.

    *

    FINALLY, and most important of all: KNOW YOURSELF.
    What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent perhaps? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
    Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
    Define the things that you find harmful TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don’t expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU which emanate from the unchangeable WHAT the narcissist is. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.

    (Co-authored with Alice Ratzlaff – More here: “The Inverted Narcissist”)

  15. delilah1234 says:

    Wow! This is one of the best collections on NPD I have found in a long time, with so many different sources and views, every one of them agreeing about the condition.

    I was 5 years into a relationship with a narcissist before I even knew what was going on and before I knew anything at all about NPD. It has taken me another 5 years to break away! I have learned a lot along the way even though when you are standing in the middle of it you really don’t see very clearly what is being done to you. Like the shell game, look over ‘here’, not what I am doing over ‘there’!

    Entries like this are important for women, and some men, to learn about this condition. It is very real!

    Delilah

  16. HI Sweetcardmom,

    I love your blog/site! What an incredible resource for all of us. Thank you, thank you, for all the time and hard work it took and takes to put all this together and maintain it. And thank you for so kindly including my site luke173ministries.org. God bless you for what you are doing to help so many targets/survivors/escapees of evil Ns.
    Blessings and peace, Sister Renee

  17. I am happy that so many people are finding this site useful. When my last relationship ended in an abrupt blindsided out of nowhere bomb, a couple of different people told me that my ex-sounded like a sociopath. I had heard the term of course, but didn’t really know the true meaning, and if someone would have asked me what a sociopath was, I would not have been able to answer that question.

    I started asking questions but I didn’t get any real answers. I even asked my therapist I had at the time and his response was, “I would not be able to say without seeing him”. Well I wasn’t asking if he was he a sociopath, but what is a sociopath?

    I was not getting the answers I needed so I went to the web. There I found some great sites, and learned much, and finally got some answers. I not only learned what a sociopath was, but what a narcissist was along with and several other personality types and disorders.

    The problem I found was that it took hours to find these sites. I was lucky to have been off work on a medical at the time I started my search and I had nothing but time. After a couple of months of researching and finding information, I came up with the idea of putting all this information in a single location to make it easier for someone in need to be able to find. I felt like I was finding a gold mind and I knew there were many others out there confused like I was and in need of answers too. My thought was to create my own site and link all that great information in one place. I figured every time I would find a good site I would add the link. I soon found I was finding information faster than I could add it to this site, so I began copying the links to a word document to insert later when I had the time.

    Well I still have many links that have never gotten added and all while I am still finding new ones. Not only new links but I get taken in new directions and to new topics which make for new chapters. New chapters need new research and it is expanding in ways I never thought about originally.

    I realize how fortunate I was to have the time in the beginning to do all the searching I was able to do, and that most people are not so lucky. And if they are in a very controlling type of abuse relationship they really don’t have the time.

    My hope for this site is to help those in need by giving them access to the information they are looking for as quickly as possible, andI will continue to do so as long as I can.

    People are spreading the word about this resource and I hope that more will also. If anyone knows of good sites that could help educate people on pathological relationships, and /or abuse, I invite you to submit it, or add a comment with a link. There is only so much I can do and find but there is still so much out there waiting to be found and that should be shared.

    Thank you Delilah and Sister Renee for your comments it is important to hear feedback back from people. That keeps me inspired to continue to keep this site moving forward.

    Thank you everyone for looking, I hope it has been beneficial to you.

    Bless all of you ~ sweetcardomom

  18. Jackie says:

    Hi There! I am well aware of all the evil mentioned above about Narcissistics. They are extremely evil. My mother was an N, and I was married to an N. He was like J.R. Eweing on the old Dallas Show….really sick, threatening, and disgusting to know him.

    I know this…if you fight them, they will abuse you much worse. They will try to ruin your life, so I think it’s very very important to realize that, and never confront them. Never let them know what you are doing….fool them nicely, but never do what they do. Never do back to them what they have done to you,…that’s a recipe to become a Narcissistic. Be good, quiet, legal, and take care of your life, and keep good safe boundaries for yourself. That is difficult, but if you have to be with one, there is no other way. And also praise them….if you have to do things in order to say, get a divorce….in the mean time praise them. Do not let them know you are agains them. If you do, they will do great harm to your life.

    Also, with God saying that vengence is his, and that we should forgive people, and Christ saying we should forgive 7 times 70 times; I’ve come to realize something recently. I divorced my ex 8 years ago and I escaped my N mother. I stayed away from both of them all these 8 years. And I placed it in God’s hands, and tried my best to leave it there. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

    My mother passed away. I did not grieve….I felt relief that she can never abuse anyone again. Guess what happened to my EX? He started hanging around with his brother and sister, and boy are they Narcissistics. He was always aware that something was wrong with his siblings, but he decided to get really close to them, and his brother stole his identity and ruined my ex’s credit….he charged $200,000, that my ex now has to pay off, or turn his 75 year old career criminal brother in to the police. And the sister has treatened him that if he does this, she will never speak to him again, and his new wife is very angry at him.

    So, in abusing my life as he did, he stole my identity as a person, a wife and a mother. He threatened my life repeatedly, lied, manipulated, cheated with money, and all kinds of things. Well…this incident with his brother doing all this and stealing his identity is exactly what he did in my life. So, Oh Well…he is truly getting it all back. I never dreamed this would happen, but sometimes I feel that since he never apologizes for what he does that hurts others and he enjoys hurting others, that probably worse will happen in his life.

    And guess what? I am no part of it….I have nothing to do with him or his siblings. He used to blame all his life blunders on me, and with this one…he cannot. Is that amusing or what. I don’t believe God punishes anyone in this life. He’s too pure to do evil and punish us. But, I do believe God withdraws himself and that enables evil to come about and evil punishes evil. Good does not punish.

    So that’s interesting, and I highly recommend that you remove your lives from the N’s,…hand it to God, and go live your own life, and do what is honest and right and true for your life. And God will do his own part.

    Jackie

  19. Sommer says:

    Thanks for finally writing about >NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY | Sweetcardomom’s Weblog and Resource Site <Loved it!

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